It was that he was absolutely and totally avoiding Astre because of his own stupidity and the Phantomhive manor was perfectly big enough to avoid its lord for several days.
How could he be so fucking stupid? How could he ruin EVERYTHING?! He hadn't MEANT to say it, he had every intention of taking his feelings to his grave and never letting the other boy know.
Ritsuka inhaled as he sat in some empty room in one of the wings of the manor, currently using it as his momentary hiding place. He had the book he snuck out from the library in his lap but he couldn't focus on a single letter, instead only thinking about the... ugh... the worst confession he had ever given.
He groaned and covered his face.
Why did he have to always fuck things up?
It had been dinner and they were just finishing dessert when Astre had made some comment about Lizzie. Ritsuka liked the girl enough just fine but considering the whole... mess with Astre's twin the last thing Ritsuka wanted to do was add his own bullshit problems to the pile. But no, no he had to completely ruin EVERYTHING because Astre mentioned her and then one thing led to another and Ritsuka had gotten so riled up about what Astre was saying and the next thing he knew, Ritsuka had blurted out:
"Well I love you!"
The whole table had gone quiet and he didn't even wait for Astre's reaction because he bolted and he could conveniently outrun the asthmatic. He didn't LEAVE the manor because, well the catboy didn't exactly have anywhere else to go and the streets of London weren't exactly welcoming to a magical catboy with a mother who was abusive, a father who was neglectful, and a brother who was one of the most wanted serial killers in the country.
And then it became a game of hide and seek... Assuming Astre was even looking for him. Sebastian always knew where he was because... well, Sebastian, but for whatever reason Astre hadn't sent the demon after him, something he was grateful for.
He rubbed his face and sighed. He really missed his bed too. Since he was avoiding Astre, that meant avoiding his room as well. He had mostly been sleeping in chairs and in windowsills at night. He figured it was Sebastian who kept putting the blanket on him when he finally fell asleep.
He stood up, time to move to another room before freezing mid-motion. His tail frizzing out and his ears bent back.
He knew he was being avoided. And knew he wouldn't be able to catch Ritsuka immediately. If he'd even been able to move after that confession. For a few minutes, or what felt like it, Astre sat frozen in his seat, fork halfway to his mouth and blood chilling a little.
Well, I love you!
The words echoed in his ears but he could hear Sebastian at his side: Should I go after him, young master?
What would he do if he said yes? Find him? Drag him back? And then what? Astre was still trying to process what he'd heard. Especially after years of believing himself unworthy of love or care, of being his brother because everyone wanted him more. Right?
"Just... keep an eye on him. But let him alone."
Maybe they both could use a little bit of time to let it sink in but Astre still started to look for him by the next day. He put off any work that needed done, although it had earned him a minor scolding from Sebastian that he brushed aside.
It had been years since he'd had to fully explore the manor, not since he and Ciel used to play and pretend it was an adventure of some sort. Now he realized how terribly inconvenient it was for the servants, even if they'd had more than they likely needed, to follow the twins about and clean after them. And to ensure Astre didn't have an asthmatic fit.
He could still remember his way around clearly though and when he finally found the cat-boy...
Astre froze, breath caught in his throat and then swallowing hard as he closed the distance between them. He still didn't know what to say so he just hugged him instead.
He was trying very hard not to panic, not to run, but especially not to cry. He closed his eyes, just waiting now for the screams to "GET OUT" and "DON'T COME BACK" to fill the air like they had with his mother not so many years ago.
He waited and waited... He heard the footsteps coming towards him. He deserved to be slapped, he clenched his fists, preparing for the blow to come. He was good at taking a hit, Ciel wasn't as strong as his mother, anyways, it wouldn't hurt that much.
He waited.
Only for his eyes to snap open as he was being hugged instead. He initially stiffened in Ciel's grip. Both of them were always initially hesitant with physical affection, even with each other, before he melted into it like he always did.
He swallowed and his arms hung at his sides for a little bit, trying to figure out if this was a dream.
But if it was a dream, he also wanted to take full advantage of it. He reached up and hugged Astre back, closing his eyes again and inhaling deeply.
Very hesitant. Normally. This wasn't exactly normal though, was it? Ritsuka was important to him- had become important to him. They could relate to each other easier than they could with most others. Ritsuka was one of very few people he really let close to him or touch him, even curling up together sometimes to sleep.
Sebastian found it equal parts humorous and adorable, but he let the boys go. What worries did he have for them being close? English society only mattered to him as far as appearances for his young Master.
If that meant growing feelings for a certain cat-boy... well, so long as both were happy.
Astre still isn't the best at happiness or showing affection but the hug, at least, was a good start. Once Ritsuka started to return the hug, Astre gave him a bit of a squeeze and held on just a little longer.
"Why don't we... have tea... or something?" Tea was easy, it was a good fallback for him. Something calming, somewhere comfy. Somewhere they could just let down all their walls and find proper footing with this.
He nodded and when they finally got situated with tea, sitting in the sunroom of the manor. Of course, with it being England the sky was mostly gray and cloudy but at least it wasn't raining. He sipped his tea, perfect as always from Sebastian but didn't see the demon in sight after he had announced what the snacks were.
He sat in silence for a bit and then took a deep breath.
"About... about what I said..." he whispered, holding onto his teacup to hide his shaking hands, though some tea did spill onto them. Did he feel the same way? Did he not and just wanted to stay friends? Ritsuka was scared to push but he wanted to know where they stood. "I- you don't have to... we can pretend it never- it never got said i-if you want."
There, he would offer Astre an out. Ritsuka had had his one-sided crush for this long, what was a little longer? Like his entire life?
It was gray and cloudy but it somehow suited the tense mood surrounding them both. Ritsuka in his fear and Astre in his. One from rejection and one from simple not knowing how to handle these feelings.
"I..." For a moment, he felt like he was choking on his words, lifting his cup to his lips and taking a slow sip. Part of him hoped it would help him find the words he needed. After a moment, he sets his cup down on its saucer nad just reaches across the table to take his hand.
"I don't know... how to do any of this... or if I'd even be any good for you." He knew he was doomed, after all, with a demons mark on his eye. It felt unfair to Ritsuka but Astre had become much more selfish a creature since he'd met Sebastian.
"Like... like I said, you can forget about what I said, I don't... that would be the one thing I'd be okay with you forgetting when it comes to me. I didn't mean... I didn't mean to put that burden on you, Astre..." he looked down at his hands. Because his love could only ever be a burden.
"You don't need to tell me anything about how you feel... don't... rush or feel like you have to return anything. Just... like I said, this is the one thing I'd be okay with you forgetting if that's what you wanted. Or... if you want me out of the manor, I understand that too."
He lifted his head to stare at Ritsuka for a moment, making sure he heard the other boy right. Forget what he said? That was impossible, really. And he didn't want to.
So he stopped for a moment, clenching and unclenching his hands a couple times, before he closes the distance between them. His cheeks were stained pink, and he looked unsure of himself but didn't stop him. Once he once close enough, one hand settled on his shoulder and he leaned in close.
His eyes widened when he was suddenly kissed on the cheek. He went bright red and cleared his throat. He swallowed and, with Ciel so close, he licked his lips and caught Ciel's mouth, if only for a moment.
His ears pressed against his head as he looked at Ciel, swallowing again.
There was a little squeak of surprise but he didn't push Ritsuka away. Or object. He let himself be kissed, and let his cheeks start to burn a bright red. He hadn't been kissed like that...
well, ever. At least, not by someone he knows and cares about and never so sweetly. Brief as it was.
"I'm not sure... I never... felt attraction to anyone before." He clears his throat a little. "Not with anyone my same gender."
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It was that he was absolutely and totally avoiding Astre because of his own stupidity and the Phantomhive manor was perfectly big enough to avoid its lord for several days.
How could he be so fucking stupid? How could he ruin EVERYTHING?! He hadn't MEANT to say it, he had every intention of taking his feelings to his grave and never letting the other boy know.
Ritsuka inhaled as he sat in some empty room in one of the wings of the manor, currently using it as his momentary hiding place. He had the book he snuck out from the library in his lap but he couldn't focus on a single letter, instead only thinking about the... ugh... the worst confession he had ever given.
He groaned and covered his face.
Why did he have to always fuck things up?
It had been dinner and they were just finishing dessert when Astre had made some comment about Lizzie. Ritsuka liked the girl enough just fine but considering the whole... mess with Astre's twin the last thing Ritsuka wanted to do was add his own bullshit problems to the pile. But no, no he had to completely ruin EVERYTHING because Astre mentioned her and then one thing led to another and Ritsuka had gotten so riled up about what Astre was saying and the next thing he knew, Ritsuka had blurted out:
"Well I love you!"
The whole table had gone quiet and he didn't even wait for Astre's reaction because he bolted and he could conveniently outrun the asthmatic. He didn't LEAVE the manor because, well the catboy didn't exactly have anywhere else to go and the streets of London weren't exactly welcoming to a magical catboy with a mother who was abusive, a father who was neglectful, and a brother who was one of the most wanted serial killers in the country.
And then it became a game of hide and seek... Assuming Astre was even looking for him. Sebastian always knew where he was because... well, Sebastian, but for whatever reason Astre hadn't sent the demon after him, something he was grateful for.
He rubbed his face and sighed. He really missed his bed too. Since he was avoiding Astre, that meant avoiding his room as well. He had mostly been sleeping in chairs and in windowsills at night. He figured it was Sebastian who kept putting the blanket on him when he finally fell asleep.
He stood up, time to move to another room before freezing mid-motion. His tail frizzing out and his ears bent back.
"Astre..."
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Well, I love you!
The words echoed in his ears but he could hear Sebastian at his side: Should I go after him, young master?
What would he do if he said yes? Find him? Drag him back? And then what? Astre was still trying to process what he'd heard. Especially after years of believing himself unworthy of love or care, of being his brother because everyone wanted him more. Right?
"Just... keep an eye on him. But let him alone."
Maybe they both could use a little bit of time to let it sink in but Astre still started to look for him by the next day. He put off any work that needed done, although it had earned him a minor scolding from Sebastian that he brushed aside.
It had been years since he'd had to fully explore the manor, not since he and Ciel used to play and pretend it was an adventure of some sort. Now he realized how terribly inconvenient it was for the servants, even if they'd had more than they likely needed, to follow the twins about and clean after them. And to ensure Astre didn't have an asthmatic fit.
He could still remember his way around clearly though and when he finally found the cat-boy...
Astre froze, breath caught in his throat and then swallowing hard as he closed the distance between them. He still didn't know what to say so he just hugged him instead.
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He waited and waited... He heard the footsteps coming towards him. He deserved to be slapped, he clenched his fists, preparing for the blow to come. He was good at taking a hit, Ciel wasn't as strong as his mother, anyways, it wouldn't hurt that much.
He waited.
Only for his eyes to snap open as he was being hugged instead. He initially stiffened in Ciel's grip. Both of them were always initially hesitant with physical affection, even with each other, before he melted into it like he always did.
He swallowed and his arms hung at his sides for a little bit, trying to figure out if this was a dream.
But if it was a dream, he also wanted to take full advantage of it. He reached up and hugged Astre back, closing his eyes again and inhaling deeply.
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Sebastian found it equal parts humorous and adorable, but he let the boys go. What worries did he have for them being close? English society only mattered to him as far as appearances for his young Master.
If that meant growing feelings for a certain cat-boy... well, so long as both were happy.
Astre still isn't the best at happiness or showing affection but the hug, at least, was a good start. Once Ritsuka started to return the hug, Astre gave him a bit of a squeeze and held on just a little longer.
"Why don't we... have tea... or something?" Tea was easy, it was a good fallback for him. Something calming, somewhere comfy. Somewhere they could just let down all their walls and find proper footing with this.
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He sat in silence for a bit and then took a deep breath.
"About... about what I said..." he whispered, holding onto his teacup to hide his shaking hands, though some tea did spill onto them. Did he feel the same way? Did he not and just wanted to stay friends? Ritsuka was scared to push but he wanted to know where they stood. "I- you don't have to... we can pretend it never- it never got said i-if you want."
There, he would offer Astre an out. Ritsuka had had his one-sided crush for this long, what was a little longer? Like his entire life?
He looked away.
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"I..." For a moment, he felt like he was choking on his words, lifting his cup to his lips and taking a slow sip. Part of him hoped it would help him find the words he needed. After a moment, he sets his cup down on its saucer nad just reaches across the table to take his hand.
"I don't know... how to do any of this... or if I'd even be any good for you." He knew he was doomed, after all, with a demons mark on his eye. It felt unfair to Ritsuka but Astre had become much more selfish a creature since he'd met Sebastian.
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"You don't need to tell me anything about how you feel... don't... rush or feel like you have to return anything. Just... like I said, this is the one thing I'd be okay with you forgetting if that's what you wanted. Or... if you want me out of the manor, I understand that too."
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So he stopped for a moment, clenching and unclenching his hands a couple times, before he closes the distance between them. His cheeks were stained pink, and he looked unsure of himself but didn't stop him. Once he once close enough, one hand settled on his shoulder and he leaned in close.
"None of that." And then softly kissed his cheek.
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His ears pressed against his head as he looked at Ciel, swallowing again.
"What... what are we, then?"
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well, ever. At least, not by someone he knows and cares about and never so sweetly. Brief as it was.
"I'm not sure... I never... felt attraction to anyone before." He clears his throat a little. "Not with anyone my same gender."
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"You're super cute when you blush, you know that?"
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"Ah..! R-really?" That only made his blush darken a bit.
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Astre's lips were so soft and even a little sweet, probably from the dessert he likely had with his tea.